Blog #16

There is more to the conversation of considering memory care than the health and safety of both the caregiver and the fellow with dementia. Let me backup.

When both of my parents lived in assisted living, there came a point when my three sisters and I realized it was time to start making preparations for what was ahead of us—to be realistic about their health conditions and diagnoses. 

One day, one of my sisters suggested that she would take charge of helping Mom purchase the outfit that she would be buried in. Dumbfounded at the selfless offer to do something so intimate and kind, I asked her if she was sure she was comfortable with doing that, and she assured me she had no problems with the task. (Side lesson: different people have different comfort levels with various different tasks—use them as gifts!)

Months later it dawned on me that all matters about funeral arrangements had not been dealt with for either one of my parents, and I had heard from others in my career that it was a gift to have those conversations well in advance rather than during times of grief. Upon receiving the questionnaire from the funeral home, I let my sisters know that I would travel home one weekend to make this my sole task, to complete our parents’ funeral arrangement wishes (i.e. who they wanted as pallbearers, who they wanted their memorials to go to, etc.). In return, my sister asked me if I was comfortable with such an intimate task and conversation, and for some reason I took no issue with it. Why? I did not find it hard to ask these questions because we were not in grief at the time. The three of us in their overly-heated assisted living apartment were all level-headed and practical about the importance and value of the conversation, and I realized it was smart as I learned they had strong opinions and different opinions than I would have guessed! 

Why do I share all this in this blog topic? If you are a caregiver and you are wondering, “How will I know if/when it is time for me to consider memory care for my loved one?” I recommend you use the time when clearer heads are prevailing to do the groundwork. I recommend that you search out your local memory care community options, as well as your adult day care options and visit them! Show up unexpectedly and ask for a tour. Get the skinny on the monthly cost, what is included, what the ratio is for staff to resident, etc. (we can dive more into those questions in a later blog). 

Also, one of the benefits of planning ahead is that the person with dementia can actually participate in the tours, plans, decisions, and give feedback about how they feel about a community. As a caregiver, you will be able to observe and see how he or she non-verbally responds to being in a supportive community, and they will very likely communicate if it is thumbs up or thumbs down. In a crisis situation, the options are fewer and the desperation makes decision-making very shallow and impulsive.

Having worked for several years in memory care, I can assure you of this: 99.99% of the time, a resident moves into a memory care community due to a crisis situation or a significant change in health where the professionals make it clear to the primary caregiver that their loved one needs 24-hour care and it will take more than just one person to manage their care. 

In short, the disease and a crisis will let you know when it is time if you do not decide for yourselves in your own timing. I recommend you use the early stage time in the journey to do your research, gather the facts and the options, put your name on some wait lists, so if/when that day comes, your decision will be level-headed and not made out of grief, chaos, fear, and desperation. 

Are you not sure where to start? While you can always reach out to me as an individual consultant, if you do not live in Chicagoland, you may also want to see who is in your area that can help you fairly navigate care without trying to sell you something at the same time. Unfortunately, you will have to be on your guard as you navigate services as businesses can be fierce about getting your attention and your money. Please reach out if you have questions or would like to schedule a one-hour (or more) consultation to discuss your particular situation. Dragonflyseniornavigation@gmail.com