Navigating the Swamp of Caregiving: Part Five; Leave the Wild Animals Alone!
Blog #7
Some of you may wonder how the heck wild animals can be incorporated into a blog on caregiving, and some of you know EXACTLY how a topic of leaving the wild animals alone fits into caregiving. You may even have a few prowling around you as you read this! For any of you who have experience in dysfunctional families or high maintenance people in your lives, this is the blog for you!
Let me back up. Somewhere around 2011, I was was in a group of female friends and together we read the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I confess, I don’t remember much of what that book was about but I do remember one thing, and that was the principle of the EGR: that in every group of people there is an EGR, which stands for Extra Grace Required. Rick Warren goes on to say, “If you don’t know who that person is in the group, it is very likely you.” I remember that point because I thought to myself, “I don’t feel like I need to show any extra grace to any of these ladies in this group…wait a minute…I may be the EGR in this group!”
How shall we say this nicely? Caregiving for someone takes a LOT of energy out of you, and you have to preserve it as best you can. Bluntly, there is no room for EGR people in your life when you are a caregiver because there is no extra energy to give when your focus is on the one you love. It is of no service to you or your loved one if your focus and energy is given to the wild animals, aka the EGRs in your midst.
In all seriousness, having experience in elder abuse investigation, I can tell you the wild animals that lurk around may be a real hazard. Loved ones who are addicted to drugs and alcohol may depend on you even when you are in a caregiving situation. Family members who struggle with mental illness may try to grab your attention and make demands on you. There may be people in your tribe that hold tightly to rituals, traditions, holidays, ceremonies, and practices and expect you to participate in them exactly the way you have in years past. These family members and friends may not understand that you can no longer do what you used to or in the way they want you to do it. Their expectations can run you on empty quickly and make you into a person that is not who you want to be, including a sub-par caregiver for your loved one. Caring for everyone is too much!
It’s important to recognize who the EGR folks are lurking in your circle. While it is easy to discuss boundaries, implementing them is a whole different story. It may be helpful to reach out to a professional therapist or counselor to help you navigate through relationships and healthy boundaries. It may be time to become familiar with the word “no.” Things are changing in your family and in your life, so the systems around you may need to change as well. Simply saying “no” is the start of creating something new and protecting yourself and your energy from a possible invasion of wild animals. Protect your fort.