“I Wish I Would Have Done This Sooner!”
Blog #20
I wish I had a nickel for every time a family member or loved one said, “I wish I would have done this sooner!” This is what I so often heard after the difficult step was taken to move a loved one into memory care.
Amidst the other messy feelings of guilt, grief, and anxiety, after a few weeks of settling in, it was almost predictable that loved ones would regret their slow approach to making the big move. So why would you not move someone into memory care? Why wouldn’t you do it ASAP? It’s important to be aware of all the factors that play into this one big decision and it is important to heed the wisdom from those that have gone before while you navigate your own particular situation.
What are some reasons caregivers are hesitant to move a loved one into memory care?
*“We have been married for 56 years. I’m not sure I know how to live without her in my home with me.”
*“Money is short and their family longevity is long. We may need to buy some time before paying that much for care.”
*“They made me promise I would never move them into a facility like that.”
*“She took care of me, now it is my job to take care of her.”
Now let’s hear from those that said they should have done it sooner.
*“When she was at home all she did was watch TV and get into trouble. Now I know she is making friends and having fun during the day. I know she is safe while I’m at work.”
*“My partner and I both work and we just didn’t feel safe leaving her home alone for more than a couple hours, but we need the money from our jobs so we had to do something.”
*“I promised to take care of her and this is the very best care I can give her. I kept my promise.”
*“I’m her daughter and there are just some tasks that a daughter should not have to do for their mom. I’m not emotionally strong enough to care for her in that intimate of a way.”
*“Caring for him in our home started hurting my relationship with my spouse and kids. We needed a sense of balance. Now when I visit him here, I can just be his kid and enjoy our time together. I don’t have to be all those other roles I had to be back at home.”
*“They saved up for the rainy day and it is raining! This is their money they worked so hard for. They deserve to be treated like kings and queens. It’s finally their time to be treated. They earned it.”
So why did I share all those perspectives? It shows complexity, doesn’t it? Navigating feelings, finances, longevity, and family dynamics are so tricky! If nothing else, hopefully this makes some caregivers feel not alone in their reasoning.
That said, some insights could be shared on the reservations of considering memory care:
Moving someone into memory care is not the end of caregiving and advocating for your loved one. It is just a different version of it. You may still wonder how they are eating, how they are responding to their medications, if there is a weight loss/gain, etc. Once a caregiver, always a caregiver, and being a loved one to someone in memory care does not diminish your value and role as advocate and cheerleader.
Promises that were made 30 years ago around a campfire of “don’t you ever put me in one of those places” have to be reconsidered. It is likely that the diagnosed never considered how complicated, stressful, and financially burdening caregiving for someone with a dementia diagnosis really can be. It is likely that they were not considering dementia care when they forced you to make that promise. Very few people would want to diminish someone else’s life for their own sake.
Memory care is expensive. No doubt. It may be worth looking into whether they had a long term care insurance policy that covers memory care or finding out if they are eligible for Aid and Attendance as a US veteran or spouse of a veteran. Both of these options are often pleasant surprises to caregivers if they are discovered! It may also be worth looking into a local adult day care center as an alternative to full memory care. Adult day care services can run from $60 to $110 a day and still give caregivers a break and some peace of mind.
I’m not going to share the specific statistics, but there is some bad news for relentless caregivers that sacrifice so much. Often times caregivers land up in the hospital or needing serious medical attention before the one they are caring for because of the stress level, lack of sleep, etc. If you made a promise “till death do us part,” I don’t think it meant risking your own life and health for the other. Ideally, both of you are cared for well and a sacrifice may have to be made to literally save your life as a caregiver.
In general, I think there is something to be said and respect for those that have gone before us and made that big, brave move of transitioning a loved one to a memory care setting. If there is a consistent voice of, “I wish I had done this sooner,” from previous caregivers–and there is–it is worth considering their wisdom and learning from them. We don’t want to make other people’s regrets ours too.