“I Told You to Sit Here!”
Blog #21
In my career in memory care, this is one sentence I overheard a staff person say to a resident that I can’t seem to shake. While I don’t publicize it to embarrass anyone, it is helpful as a teachable moment, with plenty of room for improvement. There are two distinct things we can learn about saying something like this to a person with a memory loss diagnosis.
The first important lesson may seem a bit obvious. If a person with short term memory loss is unable to remember things, we can’t expect them to remember that we just told them…that means anything we just told them. We should essentially delete these three words “I told you” from dementia caregiving as it is null and void. I might even suggest that the phrase begins to increase our frustration and hostility towards the person with memory loss, so it is better left unsaid. When our frustration increases, so does theirs, and nobody wins.
The second issue with a phrase like this is that it is paternal and condescending. We so often hear the overused words “dignity” and “respect” when we talk about elder care, but this is where the rubber meets the road. Speaking to our elders in a disrespectful, condescending, power-down way is not dignifying or respectful. In these teachable moments I would ask staff and myself, “how would you/I feel if someone said this to you/me?” and the answer is obvious. We would feel small, embarrassed, disrespected, scared, and not in control. This is NOT where we want to be when caring for a resident or loved one. It will not lead to any outcome either they or we will like.
So what is the alternative? It is important to remember that every time is the first time for those with dementia, so every invitation is the first invitation. Start each invite as warmly as the first. Use phrases like, “Hi Mr. Williams, it’s good to see you! I was wondering if you could help me with this project…..” or “We would love to have you join us!” or “Whenever you are ready, we have this seat just for you.” Not only is this how I would like to be spoken to, it is also dignifying and respectful. This is the energy you want in your home and your memory care community. You win because you know you are being kind and they win because they feel cared for.