This is one of the hardest blogs I have written thus far. It is not because I don’t have thoughts, but it may be because I have not lived enough life quite yet to be the authority on the topic. I may be writing to my older self as I type to you.

Regardless, I am proceeding with it because it is important, or at least worth a conversation. However, it is tricky because it hits very close to home and the conversation may grow with more insight and wisdom as time carries on, in a “hindsight is 20/20” kind of way.

In my career in memory care, this is one sentence I overheard a staff person say to a resident that I can’t seem to shake. While I don’t publicize it to embarrass anyone, it is helpful as a teachable moment, with plenty of room for improvement. There are two distinct things we can learn about saying something like this to a person with a memory loss diagnosis. 

I wish I had a nickel for every time a family member or loved one said, “I wish I would have done this sooner!” This is what I so often heard after the difficult step was taken to move a loved one into memory care.

Amidst the other messy feelings of guilt, grief, and anxiety, after a few weeks of settling in, it was almost predictable that loved ones would regret their slow approach to making the big move. So why would you not move someone into memory care? Why wouldn’t you do it ASAP? It’s important to be aware of all the factors that play into this one big decision and it is important to heed the wisdom from those that have gone before while you navigate your own particular situation.

“How do we know when it is time to do something different with Mom’s care?”
“How do I know when it is time to move them to memory care?”
“I feel like I need more information to make better decisions for Dad’s care.”
“What stage of dementia is my husband in?”
“How do I know what kind of dementia my wife has?”

These are common questions and concerns that I have interacted with just within the last month! They are good and legitimate questions, and all built out of advocacy and wanting what is best for a loved one.

She was crying so, so loudly! I could hear her down the hallway through my closed office door. This was not a small whimper, she was not in a good place emotionally, or maybe physically. I left my office, approached her slowly and calmly in the large group activity, wheeled her wheelchair to a quiet place down the hall, and gave her some mini-chocolate chip cookies and cold red juice that was nearby in the dining room. She went silent. At that point, a caregiver approached me, met my eye contact a bit mesmerized, and said, “How did you know to do that?” I responded, “How to do what?” She pointed to the cookies and drink, and a very peaceful and content resident. 

It was one of my first days working in this particular memory care facility, so I did not know the residents or the philosophy on dolls and stuffed animals. I was learning, observing, and taking things in. Unfortunately, as I slowly approached a resident in moderate to late stages of dementia, she started to lean back on the love seat and kick towards me. Arms began to swing as she held ever firmly to her baby doll. Since an approach was not necessary, I used a calming voice, assured her that she and her baby were safe and I backed away calmly, giving her her space.

How Do I Know When It’s Time for Memory Care? Part II

There is more to the conversation of considering memory care than the health and safety of both the caregiver and the fellow with dementia. Let me backup.

When both of my parents lived in assisted living, there came a point when my three sisters and I realized it was time to start making preparations for what was ahead of us—to be realistic about their health conditions and diagnoses.

Blog #15 How Do I Know When It’s Time for Memory Care?

Recently a wife caring for her husband with dementia honestly asked, “How will I know when it is time to consider memory care for my husband?”

Blog #14

Teepa Snow has some really great work on this subject, but I will try to paraphrase her work and simplify it. Oftentimes when a resident lives in a memory care community, they can pull on their loved one’s heartstrings by saying, “I want to go home.” Guilt is a powerful tool and manipulator, isn’t it?

A few years ago, one of my biggest fears in memory care came to pass. A resident made a comment about my weight. I knew it would eventually happen, I just didn’t know when or who would do it. It came out in a sideways comment, “You are about as big as a car! You could stand to lose 100 lbs!” I calmly completed the assessment and when I was finished, I walked to my office and took a few deep breaths, reminding myself not to take it personally.

I must admit, this is a new one to me but it has come up twice in the last couple months. For some, there is a real concern about a recent increase in toilet paper and tissue usage. Consider these three things:

Recently a friend mentioned that his father who has dementia lives in another state and telephone calls seem to be challenging. What might make phone calls easier?

The one benefit to a telephone call is that he may still recognize your voice. Your familiar voice does not age, so that is the benefit and comfort of a telephone call.

All too often in my career in memory care I have heard loved ones say about the one they care for “they are fine as long as they stay on their familiar path.” This may pertain to them taking a walk around the neighborhood with their dog, driving to church and the post office, or something as simple as just staying on the main floor of their home. Truth be told, up until this point, it may be very true.

Blog#9 Navigating the Swamp of Caregiving: Part Seven; Come Prepared for the Trip

Blog#8 Navigating the Swamp of Caregiving: Part Six: Travel in Groups

Navigating the Swamp of Caregiving: Part Five; Leave the Wild Animals Alone!